Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
i already hear my dad disowning me
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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