nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
