Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
