Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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