I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
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