In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
