I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
