I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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