Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Randomize
