I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
