If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
