We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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