Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Someone signed my nipple.
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