Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
