You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Randomize
