you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
