Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
