And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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