I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
