we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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