I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Randomize
