I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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