i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
