Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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