my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
