i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
You are the jesus of drinking
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
