you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
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