And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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