I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Randomize