Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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