guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Randomize
