oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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