I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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