just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
