party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
That accounts for only three of the penises
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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