I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
