If i come over, it means nothing
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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