I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Randomize