ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
