She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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