Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
