Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
