remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize