Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Two words: blizzard sex
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
