i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
