"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
