I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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