she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
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