im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Need sex. Gaining weight.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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