I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
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