Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
