I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
