This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
