oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
